Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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