I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
