A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
