Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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