saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
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I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
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Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.