i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.