I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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