I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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