I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
