Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
