and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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