i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
