I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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