Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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