i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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