Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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