I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
