I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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