just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
