Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
