There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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