That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
