Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Floor bacon is actually really good
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
