I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
