My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
