There was a lot of him and a little penis
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
