I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
