If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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