I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
