And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
