"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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