Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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