dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
