Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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