If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
