I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
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Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize