I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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