Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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