Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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