so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
