I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He better not be in your backpack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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