i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
