mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
