I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
