My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
