Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
