someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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