I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.