I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
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He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
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I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.