I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
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no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
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I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Can I get my morals surgically removed?