Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
