omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
