a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
