I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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