My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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