My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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