the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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