I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
