bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
