Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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