I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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