he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
