the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
