Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
