i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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