Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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