I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
