he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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