I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
